How to talk to your kids about the dangers of sexual choking

Sexual choking or strangulation is a common but high-risk activity among young people, and experts say parents must discuss the dangers with their children. The issue has gained urgency following the recent death of a 16-year-old girl from Sydney, who is believed to have lost consciousness and had a seizure as a result of asphyxiation after allegedly being choked during consensual sexual intercourse.

Research from 2024 surveyed 4,702 young Australians aged 18 to 35 and found that 57 per cent had been strangled during sex. Vanessa Hamilton, a sexual health educator and author of Talking Sex: A Conversation Guide for Parents, says there is an "urgent" need for parents to discuss the risks of sexual strangulation with their children.

"This is such a serious issue. The average age of exposure to pornography is 13 years old — and as young as eight — in Australia," Ms Hamilton said. "Our kids need us to help navigate that. They have a human right to accurate information about their bodies and respectful relationships."

Ms Hamilton suggests that even younger children can be taught about protecting their necks in a non-sexual context. "You can say 'You never touch anybody's neck. Never prevent someone from breathing,'" she said.

Jackie McMillan, senior project officer at Women's Health NSW, explains that sexual choking or strangulation is when pressure is applied to the neck to restrict air or blood flow during sex. "There is no safe way to engage in it," she said. "Risks include serious injury, brain injury and death. There can also be legal consequences, even if the activity is consensual."

Chanel Contos, founder and CEO of Teach Us Consent, says using the term "choking" can be a way to open a dialogue with young people, before explaining why "strangulation" is more accurate. "Using the correct term helps convey the seriousness involved," she said.

Ms Contos emphasizes that providing information is not giving permission. "Young people want practical, honest information about sex," she said. "What the actual physical risks are, how to say no without being shamed for it, and how to raise boundaries with a partner before anything happens, rather than navigating it in the moment."

Experts recommend that parents look for "teachable moments" to discuss sexual strangulation with their children, such as during mundane moments of the day or while driving in the car. They also suggest using resources and being honest and open in their conversations.

Ms Hamilton advises parents who feel they have waited too long to talk about sex with their child to acknowledge it and start the conversation. "Say things like, 'No-one spoke to me about this and I don't want this to be the case for you. I'm sorry I haven't brought this up already,'" she said.